They HAD to be on drugs!
by S123
Summary: The title says it all. Join the exploits of Luffy's crew and watch as they journey for the oddly named treasure, One Piece! Also, this story is completely different from the actual one in every possible way.
1. Chapter 1

It all began with the pie.

It had been a special pie that Sanji had made for Nami and Robin. Special because it had been made with care, love, and integrity. Also sleeping pills. Thus, Sanji was a little put out when Luffy downed it in one bite and promptly passed out in front of the whole crew, causing Nami to get so infuriated everyone else fled to the N-Shelter.

The N-Shelter was the most recent addition to the structure of the Thousand Sunny. Franky had built it when he realized that, inevitably, one of them would fuck up and make Nami so angry that no amount of tangerines, money, or tranquilizer darts could calm her down. So Franky built a room big enough to hold ten people on the deck of the Thousand Sunny made of solid, high-quality diamond. The shelter was put into use immediately after it was built (who do you think paid for the diamond?)

Anyway, the crew had been hiding in the shelter for 17 months now (the all-time record: 47 months. Luffy swore that Nami's jewelry looked like food) and, as always, they were running low on food.

"SOOOOOOO HUUUUUUNNNNNGRRRYYYYYY!" screeched Luffy as he began searching the room. Everyone else was simply too tired to search for the only food source in the shelter (Chopper, who had gained several scars each time they stayed in the shelter).

"ALRIGHT, WHERE IS THAT MOTHER FUCKING LITTLE FUCKER FUCKING PIECE OF FUCK I'M**HUNGRY!!"** roared Luffy, who had just learned swear words from Brooke and was putting them to good use.

"We wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for the shit cook!" said Zoro angrily.

"Shut it, Marimo!" roared Sanji, and the two began slowly crawling towards each other to thumb wrestle. Everyone whipped around to watch. If one of them died, it would mean food!

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Nami was looking in through the window.

"I've calmed down now." She said.

"REALLY?" yelled everyone but Luffy, who instead opted for "FUCK?"

Chopper emerged from his hiding place, which turned out to be inside of Brooke's hair. "Is it really safe?" he asked.

"Wait…how was there enough room in my hair for you?" Asked Brooke.

"…I was hungry."

"YOU LITTLE BASTARD MY HAIR YOU ATE PART OF MY HAIR I'LL FEED YOU TO LUFFY FOR THIS!" screeched Brooke.

"Oh boy! Food!" said Luffy gleefully.

"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU! Now, I've made an important discovery! There's a new island coming up and I need you for brutal ship related labor. If you hurry I'll let you eat the scraps from my lunch.

WE INTERRUPT THE STRAWHAT'S FRANTIC STUMBLING FOR THE HALF CAN OF DOGFOOD NAMI PLANS TO FEED THEM FOR A COMPLETELY UNRELATED GROUP

(Note. The author has been asked by a close friend of his to make One Piece versions of himself and a few of his friends for this story, so if you think the idea is stupid-and if you do, keep in mind you are reading a story about a reindeer pirate-don't blame me. The author has also decided to use this opportunity to make the original character version of himself a total badass.)

The massive Brig of War, the Blow It Out Your Ass, continued to float towards its destination. Upon its deck were four figures. One was a dark young man with curly hair and black and white gloves (one white, one black). To his left was a slightly shorter man, carrying two swords across his back. Standing behind him was a slightly tanned pirate that emanated an aura of sheer bad-assery and awesomeness that, if a man named Chuck Norris existed on the grand line, would even make him look bad. Beside him was a burly man carrying a gun about half the size of the ship's mast.

"So, where are we headed now?" Said the man with the gloves.

"If there's one thing that should have been learned from this place, it's that our destination is always the same." Said the badass.

"Yeah, even if it's a bit different every time." Said the one with the sword.

"We need to hurry up, we're out of food again." Said the man with the gun.

"WHAT? When did this happen?"

"I dunno, but I thought I saw you vaporizing some for fun."

"You dared me to!"

"Yes, but I was drunk, so I'm totally free of responsibility."

"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU! Let's hurry up and get to the one place we always go: wherever there's money that can be made illegally!"

End of Chapter 1

AN-Sorry it took me so long to get started! I've been having a lot of fun enjoying being, you know, free from slave camp (it goes by other names, but you know what I'm talking about). Updates will probably be slow, but this story will continue, I swear!


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm gonna do it! I mean it this time!" Screamed Ussop from the top of the mast.

"Oh please. You threaten to commit suicide every time that Nami force-feeds you dog food. Now come on down, the island's almost in view!" Yelled Zoro.

"I say we chop down the mast and make him fall." Said Franky, who was getting bored.

"N-nobody c-c-cares about me…I'm gonna-WHOA!" Exclaimed Ussop at the sight of the city. It stood on the coast of their next stop, and foul odors and smokes spewed from its streets onto the port. The water around the city was a dark gray, this may have been because so many passed-out drunks on the docks had dropped their bottles of booze into the water. The city sounded loud, too-yells, screams, and shouts, along with really loud party music, could be heard from the eight mile distance the Thousand Sunny was from the city. Ussop was so impressed that he lost his grip and fell-crotch first-onto the comical relief spike, which is a vital part of any ship that I am not making up.

Ignoring Ussop's screams and pleas for death, the crew looked in awe at the human cesspool before them.

"WOW! What _is _this wonderful place?" Asked Zoro excitedly. Before anyone could answer, he stuck his head into the water, trying to taste some of the grog runoff.

"This is Mardi-Gras island." Said Robin. "It's story begins about six months ago, when Mardi Gras-a huge party holiday that initiates orgies of gluttony, depravity, drugs, booze, bad music, and plastic beads worldwide-ended. The people of this island, who had experienced it for the first time, were so eager to party again that their king outlawed every day on the calander except for Mardi Gras. They've been partying non-stop since-"

"BLEAAORRGGGGUhhhhh…"Zoro had consumed too much beer/seawater, and began vomiting on the deck.

"Unsophisticated Marimo." Said Sanji. "God, I am so much better than him in every conceivable-"

"Hey, look, a moderately attractive woman." Said Chopper in a moderately quiet voice as he pointed to someone walking on the docks.

Sanji immediately jumped overboard in his underwear and started swimming towards the docks.

"WAWOOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOMELLORINEMELLORINEOHHHH I need new underpants. HEY! STOP THE SHIP! DON'T LEAVE ME!!" Sceeched Sanji.

"GO! GO! FASTER!" Yelled Nami.

Unfortunately for her, Sanji caught up, and soon the ship docked at Mardi Gras island. After fighting their way through wave after wave of drunks desperately in need of a body of water large enough to hold their vomit, the crew made it to the main city. Nami immediately started speaking.

"This is a large city, so we should agree on a place to meet befo-"

Unfortunately, all her wisdom and words were lost as soon as the meat vendors, booze vendors, and pretty women walked by. In less than a second, the strawhats were scattered throughout the city (except for Zoro, whose crappy sense of direction lead him to march past all the bars right back to a furious Nami in need of a punching bag).

BACK AT THE DOCKS…

The Typhoon, a massive Brig-of-War that had just been renamed because the author has decided that the phrase "blow it out your ass" will already get enough facetime in this story, docked in the harbor. Descending from it were four men. One of them, who had long black-brown hair, a short cutlass on his waist, a scoped rifle on his back, and an aura of coolness that could blow up a small airplane at a glance, was the first off the ship. Freezeframe: Notorious Pirate "Reaperman" Sean Roberts. Worth 513,000,000 Belli Next off the ship was a slightly shorter man with darker hair, who carried two very long and elaborately decorated swords on his back, one of which glowed red and the other blue. Freezeframe: Notorious Pirate "Demon Blades" Jean Brasillano. Worth 511,999,999 Belli. After him came a man of roughly the same height with lighter hair, whose main features were overshadowed by the massive gun half the size of the mast strapped to his back. Freezeframe: Notorious Pirate "One-Man-Army" Jesse Laffitte. Bounty:508,871,234 Belli Lastly, a tall, lanky man with light brown hair and black-and-white gloves stepped off the ship. Freezeframe: Notorious Pirate "Deadly Shade" James England. Worth 506,234,998 Belli. It should also be noted that due to no clear leadership structure among this group, their bounties fluctuate frequently as marine headquarters tries to determine who is most dangerous. Example: last week, Laffitte was worth 509,681,943 Belli and eight sheep, whereas Roberts was worth 506,044,956 Belli and twelve goats.

"So, where's Rackam? I thought we sent him out here weeks ago, and he hasn't reported back." Remarked Brasillano.

"You know Rackam. In a city like this, we'll need to find him. Come on, let's start searching the bars." Said Roberts. Fortunately for the group, their friend was not far off. A giant boom was heard, and smoke began rising from the center of the city. Leaping away from the smoke was a relaxed-looking figure with light brown hair carrying a bottle of grog in one hand and a man beaten nearly to death with the other leapt from the rooftop and landed in front of them.

"Bout damn time you got here! Look at this! This jerk tried to take my booze, so I shoved him into my pocket. Here's his wallet." Rackam threw the man to the ground. "Wait…I think I got it mixed up…" He mused just before he passed out. Freezeframe: Notorious Pirate "Hammered Heathen" Wayne Rackam. Worth 511,453,998 Belli, but worth over 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 Belli if his unpaid bar tabs are calculated.

"Oy! Rackam! Wake up! Read was with you. We need to know where she is!" yelled England. (Read is an amnesiac, so she has many names. She'll get a full intro when she appears. Altogether, the group is known as the Hurricane Pirates, and are wanted for crimes like pillaging, robbing, wounding and killing several marines, and in one of their most daring escapes, pantsing chief admiral Sengoku. He wasn't wearing underwear, and it has nothing to do with the sudden 200,000,000 increase in their bounties.)

"Nevermind. With Read's memory and sense of direction we'll just have to wait for her to find us." Said Laffitte. "Besides, she'll be fine. Between her and Rackam, this city must have been run half to hell before we arrived."

"We'll run the other half down soon enough. Now help me carry this guy back to the ship." Said Roberts impatiently.

"Hah, look at him drooling. What an idiot."

"Well, we found you like this last week, remember?"

"Don't judge me! You were the one who passed out in the sewer and lay there for four days!"

"Yeah, but I'm _me_, so it doesn't count."

"Yes it does!"

"I agree!"

"Shut up! We found you just as bad as this three weeks ago! And Rackam, go back to being passed out!"

"No!"

End Of Chapter Two

Author's note: Sorry it took me so long. Due to school, updates will be scarce. Thank you!


	3. Chapter 3

"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRP!" burped Luffy after finishing off his eighteenth helping of everything they had in the resturaunt. Everyone stared at him, most in anger, as he had reached over to their seats and eaten their food, plates, tables, and in one case grandfather (he spat him out, but it still ruined that child's birthday).

"HOW THE HELL DO YOU INTEND TO PAY FOR THIS!!" Screamed the resturaunt owner. Luffy pointed at a random person who had just emerged from the bathroom.

"Put it on his tab."

As Luffy left the resturaunt, he heard loud yelling, a scream, and more yelling.

_Oh well, _thought Luffy. _Might as well find Nami again_.

At that moment, Nami was shifting around the crowd in the plaza. She had been following a rich-looking nobleman for a while. Zoro, on the other hand, was being dragged behind her on a course rope. He was desperately struggling for freedom, having already eaten two of the ropes.

"Okay, Zoro. I'm letting you go." Nami untied Zoro as she noticed the nobleman walking towards her. He was tripping a lot though, probably because his eyes had bulged out of his head and appeared to be trying to hump Nami's leg.

_Oh god that's so creepy! Just remember: After you fool him, you'll rob him, punch the crap out of his nuts, and leave him in a gutter, _Thought Nami. Zoro was trying to sprint towards the bars, which meant that he was sprinting for the Alcoholics Annonymous chapter of the city. Minutes after he entered the building, audible sounds of struggling could be heard, as well as shouts of "NOOO! I NEED TO DRINK! Wait…HE'S WEARING ALCOHOLIC AFTERSHAVE!! I'LL EAT YOUR SKIN!!"

Meanwhile, Ussop, Franky, and Chopper had gathered in a marketplace looking for goods. Sanji was with them, but left with a particularly drunk looking girl.

"Wow! Look at these potatoes!" Said Ussop as he quickly bought 589 of them. "I'll be able to use these in my Potato Star attack to slay my enemies!"

"Yeah…Good luck with that." Muttered Franky. "God, that guy is such a frea-Ooh! Root Beer! I've been working on an engine that uses root beer!" Franky began grabbing dozens of bottles.

"Am I the only normal one here?" Wondered Chopper.

"Yeah, well you're a talking reindeer. So shut up."

As Chopper tried to chew off Ussop's face, Brook was looking at instruments when he noticed somebody with a huge afro!

"At last! A soul mate!" Brook sprinted towards the man, than saw that at the very top of the afro he had a tiny crown. And the crown had an Afro. In fact, Afros were growing from his hands, elbows, knees, feet, toes, fingers, nostrils, and teeth.

"HoHoHo! Are you here to challenge my skills?" Said the disgustingly hairy king of the island.

"YoHoHoHo! If I can outplay you musically, than I shall take your crown!" Crowed Brook.

**Seven Hours Later…**

The strawhats had all returned to the ship to give reports of what they did. Robin, who was the one who had watched the ship, was sitting on the deck, reading. Luffy was bloated, Nami was looking gleeful, and Franky and Brook were staring at Ussop, who was on the ground screaming. He hadn't been able to get Chopper off. Zoro had blood on his mouth, and a bit of a guy's finger was stuck in his teeth. Sanji was glowing.

"Okay," Began Nami, "Who wants to report fir-"

"PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! I, SANJI, AM NO LONGER A VIRGIN! I HAD SEX FOR TWELVE WHOLE SECONDS!" Screamed Sanji, unable to contain himself any longer. Turning around, he began roaring again: "I AM THE NEW OVERLORD! ALL VIRGIN'S SOULS ON THIS SHIP ARE MINE, AS I AM NO LONGER A VIRGIN UNLIKE YOU! YES!"

"But none of us are virgins." Said Franky.

"I WILL DEVOUR YOUR BABY FOR MY AMU-what?" Said Sanji.

"It's true, you were the last to lose your virginity." said Franky slowly.

"WHAT? NOO! HOW!? FRANKY THERE'S NO WAY THAT YOU-"

"Right. You think all those square-haired girls did was talk about how my balls were gonna fall off?"

"CHOPPER, YOU'RE A REINDEER! HOW-"

"Before I ate the human-human fruit, it was reindeer mating season." Said Chopper, who had released Ussop.

"LUFFY, WHAT ABOUT-"

"I never had sex." Said Luffy. "But once back in my village, on the day before I left, the waitress lady said that I needed to pay my treasure tab in naked wrestling. So I did. I also created some special mayonaise that I used in some sandwiches!"

After taking a break to vomit, Sanji began his inquisition again.

"Brook, you're a skeleton! How-"

"Before I was a skeleton, I was like 40. I don't suck like you do." Said Brook gloomily.

"What's with him?" Whispered Robin to Nami

"In his music competition with the king, he did a seven hour violin solo. The king played on the kazoo, tried and failed to breakdance, and did the worm for two minutes. He won." Said Nami.

"Nami, Robin, how could you two have had sex. I mean, look at-" Sanji than did look at them and realized the question was stupid.

"Zoro, there's no way that you-"

"Before she found me out, I did that Tashigi girl. Got her pregnant too. Now she's hounding me just because I won't pay child support for her three ugly kids." Zoro took a drink, than realized that everyone was staring at him in horror. "What?"

Desperately, Sanji turned to the only crewmember more socially awkward than him. "Ussop, you're still a-"

"One time I told Kaya I was a good lover. She asked me to prove it, so I tried. She cried for hours afterwards." Said Ussop wistfully.

This broke him. Sanji began sprinting for the razorblades, screaming "SASUKE, GOD OF EMOS, I ACCEPT YOUR DEATH'S EMBRACE!"

After tying him up, Nami turned to the crew.

"Okay, I managed to get us into tomorrow's Mardi Gras gala with my feminine wiles."

"You mean you let a rich guy stare at your cleavage?" Said Luffy.

After beating Luffy until his eye had fused with his nose, Nami continued.

"We'll be in one room with the richest people in the city. On my mark, we steal anything that isn't nailed down. Got it?"

**MEANWHILE…**

"Wow, cleavage sure is fun to stare at!" Said the nobleman as he walked home. Suddenly, a figure wearing red jostled him.

"Hey! What do you think you're-"

"I dropped a girly mag on the ground." Said the figure in red.

As the man dived for the magazine and began humping it, the man wearing red rejoined his friends, also wearing red.

"Did you get his wallet?" asked Brasillano.

"Yep," Said Roberts, as he rooted through the stolen wallet. "In addition to his money and his housekey, we also got an invitation to some gala."

"There'll probably be other rich guys there. I say we rob them." Said England.

Roberts nodded. "I agree. Tonight we'll make a plan, but we did get the guy's keys. I say we loot his house.:

"Can we burn it?!" Asked Rackam eagerly.

"Ah, what the heck. Happy early Christmas, Rackam."

"Yay! Fire, fire yeah!"


End file.
